Truth and Lies

The Truth Comes Out

2007-06-30T19:45:00.001-05:00

It's not so complicated after all. Steve isn't attracted to me. He never was.

He lied.

Because he thought that's what I wanted to hear. Because it made him have control of the situation. Because that's what he would have wanted to happen with Becca. Because he thought it would make things easier. Because he wanted to. I don't know. I don't remember. I was drunk when we talked about it.

I cried. I cried so hard, because I felt so stupid for thinking that he had even the tiniest amount of feelings for me. Or that he had at one time. And all I could think about was my stepdad who was always mean to me and made me feel stupid all the time. I could just see him in my head and I couldn't stop crying.

"Don't you get it?" I said to him. "You're my Becca. Don't you know how this feels? Why would you lie to me? I feel so stupid."

Personality Ratings

2007-06-29T15:53:00.000-05:00

Last night Steve & I hung out and drank whiskey at his place. One of our favorite past times. I got drunk.
While drunk, I proceeded to bring up the attractiveness scale and talk about how depressing it was starting to make me feel.
We went outside though before I got really drunk to cool off because his air conditioning doesn't work. I walked up and down the stairs barefoot. It had rained and was a little wet.
"I decided that I'm just going to be a 5. Fuck the scale."
"Okay."
"I hate that goddamn scale. And all the dating up and dating down shit. I could date a 5. I have a chance." Steve is of the school of thought that guys never date down. Which would imply that girls never date up. Which means if I'm somewhere in the 2 range, that I can only logically date 1's.
Those thoughts scared me the most because I know I have dated unattractive guys. And also jerks and idiots and people who just aren't... I don't know, cool people.
"Anyways, I just want to think I'm a 5. I was fine before we brought all this up. Now I'm so worried about being ugly. And I'm cute. I don't have anything wrong with me. And I'm fun."
"Well that's personality."
"Ok, so I don't like the scale that takes away personality."
"That's really the only way we can rate people that we don't know very well though."
He checked the steps to see how wet they really were at this point and finally made the decision to sit down.
"Okay, then let's rate personality now. Even people we don't know very well. It can be first impression for them."
All I really wanted to know was what I would be.

We did the first few, some neutral people, and he tended to dock people that were uptight, not funny, not particularly fun. Actually, he rated the last 2 girls he's had a crush on as fairly low. I was surprised.
"It really has a lot to do, though, with what the people doing the rating value as good traits," he explained.
I sat down beside him, stretched my legs out to rest on the cold concrete.
I edged into asking about the people I wanted to know about the most.
"Okay, what about Kelsey?" His ex-girlfriend.
"Kelsey? My Kelsey?"
"Yeah."
"Well, just hanging out, if you weren't her significant other, she would be a high 4."
"Okay. I wondered. Cool."
He hadn't given out many 4's at this point.
"And Becca?" I felt jealous just saying her name.
He shrugged a little and rolled his head around. "Becca's a 5. You know that."
"I guess."
"She's what I'm looking for."
"What?" I knew exactly what, that she was his big love, the one that it never worked with. Nothing even ever happened, it was just this huge unrequited crush. She's the girl that he thinks of as perfect, that he holds everyone else up to in comparison. And I don't know where I fare in that comparison. This was part of my motives for the personality ratings, selfish and sick as it is.
I knew when we started that he would rate me high, but not as high as Becca.
We went back to rating some neutral people, the Faatherton kids I think, a few others. Then he mentioned the rest of the "Fantastic Four", his best friends from Kirksville. Becca is one of them. All the rest are guys and I get them mixed up. It's hard when you don't have any mental images, but only a set of stories that goes with each person.
The other members of the Fantastic Four were mostly high 4's. I don't think they were 5's. Garen was a 4.9, I remember that one specifically.
So at this point, with all his best friends being high 4's, I'm ready for my rating of high 4 as well.
"So what about me?"
He did the same quick semi-shrug, head-roll, why-are-you-asking-me-obvious-ones movement. "You're a 5."
I don't know what my shocked face looks like, but anyone walking by at that moment would have seen it.
"Oh."
I stared down at my feet and the concrete, not sure what to say.
After a minute I spoke in a small voice. "Thank you."

And now the confusion sets in. If he doesn't know many people who are 5's, and Becca is the model he's using to judge 5's, and I am a 5, does that mean I fit Becca's model of a 5? And if so, what makes me undesirable?

This just gets more complicated every day.

Party Story #2

2007-06-26T15:16:00.000-05:00

Saturday night's June monthly party, entitled "Explosions". Here's something interesting that happened.

We were all talking about sex a lot.
"Don't kid around with me. We can go out in the woods and do it right now." I said to Adam.
Geoff walked up.
"There's a couch in the woods." I told them.
"Let's go find the couch."
"Do you guys really want to?"
"Yeah."
"Ok, I'll find a flashlight."
I wandered inside to ask Carl where his flashlight was. It was out where we had shot fireworks earlier in the night. I found it among the leftover fireworks and brown paper sacks. Adam kept walking past me, around to the front of the house. I followed.
"I have a flashlight, what are you doing?"
"Micah has a better flashlight."

After the flashlight retrieval, and a quick call to Geoff who never responded, just Adam and I headed into the woods in search of The Couch.
We stumbled around for awhile before we came to the edge of a clearing. We really couldn't go any farther.
"So... what do we do now?" I said.
"I don't know."
"We should probably head back before I do something inappropriate." I walked past him. He didn't follow.
"You can't do anything inappropriate to me."
I turned around and walked close to him, too close for comfort. "Are you sure?" I kissed him full on the mouth. It was a real kiss but simple. Less intense than you would expect for being in the woods in the dark with someone you barely know.
"What are you thinking?" he asked me.
"That is the number one question you are not allowed to ask a person in times like these."
I leaned against a nearby tree, and he hung his light, a big square emergency light, from a branch on that tree. I put my flashlight in my back pocket and kissed him again. He let it go a little longer but still pulled away.
"Well," I started, "I think you're cute."
"Thanks. I think you're very pretty."
"Thank you."
We paused for a second, looking around at the woods.
"So don't you have a girlfriend?" I asked.

Unemployment

2007-06-25T13:04:00.000-05:00

About a month ago I lost my job.
Here are all the events leading up to it.

The first time Chris saw Steve after Steve and I had sex was on that Friday night. Steve and I, both being without a vehicle, were bumming rides here and there to get to hang out. I was hiding the fact that I liked him way more than I should as much as I could, but it was getting tough.

Chris gave me a ride to Steve's that night, where Steve hopped in the cramped truck bed with us and we went to the Standard office so I could pick up cameras to use to shoot my friend's wedding the next day. Sarah and Chad's wedding. I was so excited, but confused as to what would happen. I had to work Saturday at 7am until around 2pm. I didn't want to go. I didn't know how I was going to get to the wedding, so I wanted to have that time to talk around and see who I could ride with. The wedding was an hour away, and my not being there would have been a disaster. I was a mess, worried about what I was going to do.

Steve and I walked to the office later in the evening, bored and wondering what to do. Miranda called me to say they wanted to have some people over to hang out. We agreed to go.

On the walk back to the apartment, we must have either bought some whiskey or just had some, cause we ended up drinking later. But on the walk back, I lost it, got really upset and quiet. I don't remember why, and that's part of the problem I'm sure. I sat on his couch and breathed and tried to calm down before we left to walk to her place.

"I can tell I'm not going to have fun. I can just tell. And I'm going to be pissed and want to leave but... I don't know."

It was something like that.

I've already established, I think, that at the time Steve liked Miranda and not me. Steve pretty much always likes everyone but me.

At Miranda's things weren't terribly exciting. Jack the Dog jumped up on my and scratched my chest. Steve and I got drunk. I argued with Miranda about whether vampires prey on sluts or virgins. She thought virgins - I said sluts were easier to get close to and were less likely to be missed. That's the kind of fun arguing banter we always have.

When we left I remember that I found a note I had left myself on my cell phone that said "You are no longer allowed to touch Steve."

I think I just wanted to be back to normal.

That night we hung out for awhile on his couch before he finally went to lie down in his bed. He was really wasted and I followed him in there and talked to him. It took every ounce of energy I had to not try anything. Actually I was just too scared.

I decided to not go into work the next day. I didn't think one time would do much damage. I decided to tell my boss that I had had a nervous breakdown, cause it was sortof true. I turned my cell off so that when she called I wouldn't feel bad about not going in. My intention really was to sleep through the whole day of work. I think I got to 12pm.

Around that time Steve & I were both up and had started to watch a movie. Chris called me to see if I needed a ride. I wanted to keep hanging out with Steve, but I did need the ride so I took it. Somehow Chris agreed to let me borrow his truck for the day and so then I had a ride to the wedding.

I didn't call the bakery that I worked at that day. Monday was a holiday (Memorial Day) and we were closed. I didn't call Tuesday either. My next day to work was Wednesday. 10:00 am. I called when I woke up at 8am.

"Supreme Bakery, this is Lynda."
"Hey it's Anne."
Pause. "Oh, Anne. You didn't come in on Saturday, what happened?"
"Oh it's a long story. I mean, I have a reason. It's just hard to talk about."
"Ok." She didn't sound convinced.
"I was just calling to say that I will be in today, and that I'm sorry I didn't call sooner."
"Oh, well we've hired someone else. I'm sorry."
"Oh."
"Yeah, when you didn't show up on Saturday I assumed you were just like everyone else and that you were quitting."
"Ok, I understand."

I know I said some more stuff and at some point I started crying but the conversation was still really short. I punched the wall in the shower. I was pissed at myself.

And the funny thing is another girl, who is a single mom, started no-showing and coming in hours and hours late about 2 weeks before this happened, and they kept her on for a week and half of no-showing. And I do it once and they can me. What's the difference? I'm not a single mom.

That pisses me off more than anything.

Beauty and the Security Guard

2007-06-25T07:59:00.000-05:00

This morning at 1:30 a.m. I visited Steve at his job, which is as a security guard overnight at a factory. No one is there at night, so even though I probably shouldn't have been there for more than 15 minutes or so, I stayed for an hour and a half. I don't think he cared.

He's my best friend and that's why I went to see him, drove fifteen minutes out of town. I was thinking about who else I would do that for, and I think that if he was a she, if I was like a normal girl with a best friend who is female I wouldn't go out of my way for her. It would be different.

On the phone with Steve.
"I'm making a grocery list. I think I'm going to go finally get groceries."
"Oh, can you pick me up a Mountain Dew? I have money but I didn't have time to stop on the way here. I've already bought a can out of the machine."
"Um. I guess." I wanted him to say that he wanted me to come see him. "So you want me to come out there?"
"Yeah, I mean, if you want to."
"I guess I can."
We proceeded to talk for the next 30 minutes after that while I was grocery shopping, which he said took a really long time.

At the place he was posted, outside of town, we sat in my jeep with the doors open and rated our friend's looks. He did the girls and I did the guys.
It's really hard for me to think about people's looks objectively, without taking into consideration their personality. Steve had trouble too, but not nearly as much. It's a girl/guy thing I'm sure.
I also had trouble figuring out the scale. When I rate people, I usually use a 1-10 scale, but I assume that 5 is below average and below 5 is some sort of problem that you can't control. A deformity or something.
Steve remade the scale on a 1-5, with 3 being average, 1 being wholly unattractive but not deformed, and 5 being really attractive, top 10%. I couldn't put many people in the 5 and neither could he. We just don't surround ourselves with beautiful people. That's ok.
I had trouble thinking of a 1 also, but I finally came up with someone who is just not great to look at. Most people though were between 2.5 and 3.5.
Steve came up with a 1 easily.

I knew he wouldn't ask me, but I tried to think objectively about where I would put him on the scale. He's not ugly by any means. I personally think he's really cute. But objectively? I can't be objective with him, I realized. And maybe I just don't really take in his face very often. Strange.
I think he would put me as a 2 or so. Although I would like to think that I'm just an average 3, I feel that I should aim low and avoid disappointment. Considering that he put people as 2's who I feel are prettier than me. And with my weight on top of that, it doesn't look too good for me. But I do have a pretty face I feel. We're middle of the road though, we've discussed it before.

No one wants to be ugly.

Intro & Party Story 1

2007-06-25T00:39:00.000-05:00

First post in a new blog. This is frightening.

My name is Anne, I'm 22, I live in a city in the midwest. I'm going to try my best not to divulge too much information on this, even though it will be hard.

So back to the matter at hand: last night's party.
This is going to be hard to try to give background info and tell a story in the present...

Steve couldn't be there, which was really sad since we planned the party together. We're trying to open up more opportunities for hook-ups and things like that, just really put ourselves out there because we're not getting any the way things are going. Steve is my best friend - we spend a ton of time together, mostly sitting on his couch, talking about life or sex or whatever else.

Anyways, Steve is relevant to the party even though he wasn't there because after we started realizing that we needed to get out there (he hadn't gotten with anyone in 9 months and we needed to remedy that) Steve started to like my friend Miranda. I pushed it along cause it was fun and I want to see him get with someone, cause he's lonely. Well, he's been trying with this girl for awhile and we can't get a read on her. Last night was a bit of a roadblock for poor lonely Steve.

I called Miranda to see if she was coming to the party.
"Yeah, Stuart is going to come too."
I pause, wondering how to proceed. "Oh yeah? Is something going on there?"
"I think so. Yeah." She sounds excited and nervous. New relationships.
"Oh wow. I wondered... when we were at Red Room the other day you seemed really interested,and so did he. I wasn't sure if you just were good friends from high school and were just like that all the time. I couldn't really tell. But how did it happen?"
"I don't know, we just started hanging out all the time."
"I thought you weren't dating anyone before you went to Russia..."
"I wasn't supposed to." She gave a this-is-a-shock-to-me-too laugh.
"Well wow, that's really cool."
"Yeah."
"Well I'll see you later."
"See you."
When I closed the cell phone I couldn't help but be really disappointed. Stuart has money, he wears polo shirts and khaki shorts. He's just what the doctor ordered for a girl like Miranda. He's probably also a little cuter than Steve, and a little more slick than Steve.
How in the world am I going to tell him? Do I tell him tonight while he's at work where he'll have to sit and think about it for the next 8 hours?
I'm pretty sure I just didn't call him for awhile. But once I finally did, it wasn't as bad as I expected.

"Miranda finally got here."
"Oh yeah? Have you talked to her?"
"Yeah. Stuart is here too." I let my voice drop.
"Are they together?"
"Ok, so if there's bad news would you want it now while you have to stay at work or can I just tell you tomorrow?"
"Just tell me now."
"Yeah, they're together."
"Ok."
"But at least you know. At least you don't have to sit around and worry about it."
"It's ok, I mean, I was completely uninterested two days ago, I think I'll be ok. This is good."

We talked a little more and then I asked him something that I shouldn't have, that was on my mind.

"Do you ever think about what it would be like if you did just like me?"
"What?"
"I mean... shit, I shouldn't be saying this but I'm a little drunk so it's ok. I mean, what if you just had feelings for me? Do you ever think about how easy that would be? Or have you ever thought about it?"
"Yeah, I have."
I was surprised to get the answer I wanted. I tried to cover up a little. "But that would be a whole new set of problems. It's not like we could date or anything."
"No."
"Yeah..."

If you didn't get the vibe yet, then a fun thing to note, my big secret, is that I'm pretty much in love with Steve. It's a problem.

I'll give some more party recaps later. Right now I have to deliver a Mountain Dew to Steve at work. He said he was going to die if he didn't get one. I told him he should have an intravenous drip of Mt. Dew. He said that wouldn't be fast enough. lol.